Stuff Homebirthers Like #2: Talking about homebirth

Homebirthers will never miss an opportunity to mention their homebirth. It will come up in a conversation like this: “Oh you need help lifting that box? Well if I birthed my baby at home I can certainly lift a silly old box…”

Or “Sure I can run a marathon, I had a homebirth, didn’t I?”

Or “Excuse me, sir, where can I find the organic granola? My homebirthed child is hungry.”

Look, we plugged through months of childbirth training, hours of natural labor and incessant amounts of fluid discharge to have that baby at home and we’re damn proud of it. Statistically speaking, in a roomful of 100 women, we’ll be the only one who had a homebirth. We plan to make sure the other 99 women know it.

If you find yourself confronted by a homebirther, you must indulge her. Ask questions about how she endured labor for 30 hours without an epidural. Marvel at her ability to withstand pushing for two hours. Prod her with questions like "Isn't it messy?" so she can laugh in a silly-you kind of way and prattle on for another 20 minutes about the amazingly empowering experience that she went through and chronicled in graphic detail on her blog, "[Insert name here]'s Amazing Home Birth."

If you're lucky, another homebirther will come along to rescue you because the only people who can stand to listen to yet another birth story are other homebirthers. Your best bet to avoid the sheer boredom of hearing another labor play-by-play is to avoid eye contact with a homebirther or better yet have a homebirth yourself.