Things they didn't tell me about home birth

If you read the usual blogs, articles, and Facebook lovefests about home birth, you'll start to believe that birthing your baby at home is about the easiest thing you'll ever do. In fact, if you're like me, you'll actually start to look forward to the experience because everyone makes it seem so incredibly awesome.  Even up until the moment I went into labor, I thought my home birth would be kind of like a day at Burke Williams - you know, a mildly uncomfortable deep-tissue massage followed by lots of relaxing teas, cleansing breaths, and Zen-like escape.

Let me dispel you of that notion right now.

Home birth is a great alternative to a hospital birth for low-risk women, and if I had to do it all over again, I'd do another home birth, no question about it. But it ain't no day at the spa.

Here are some things the books don't tell you about natural birth and home birth and that many mamas conveniently omit from their awe-inspiring birth stories.

1.  "Early labor" still sucks.

My HypnoBirthing instructor made it sound like early labor (up until around 5 cm) was just a walk in the park. Oh, just keep yourself distracted when your contractions first start, she said - take a walk, run some errands, watch a movie, catch up with old friends, ha, ha, ha... maybe I have a lower pain tolerance than other women, but for me, “early labor” was still pretty rough. When your previously compact cervix is cranking wide open, it’s kind of tough to fold laundry or take a stroll around the mall. Use the skills you learned in natural childbirth class to get through it.  

  

2. You might have diarrhea.

Seriously. I could not stop shitting. Of the 27 hours I was in labor, I probably spent 20 of them on the toilet as my bowels released every shred of anything I'd ever eaten in the previous 30 years. When the midwife arrived for my first pelvic exam, I emerged from the fetid bathroom and the first thing I said to her - even before “hello, it's good to see you” - was “I have diarrhea.” Diarrhea is extremely common in labor so be prepared. And you might want to give your significant other a heads up while you’re at it.

3. You might bleed a lot.

I’m not talking about a hemorrhage, just a slow and steady drip throughout the labor, like the worst period you’ve ever had. Stock up on maxi pads and congratulations if you’re one of the lucky ones, like me, who had fluids coming out of both ends throughout your labor.

4. You more than likely won't go into labor at 9 a.m. and have everything wrapped up by lunch.

I prayed that my labor would begin at a reasonable morning hour after a good night’s rest and finish in a matter of hours. So naturally, my labor started at 8 p.m. and stretched into the next night. Labors tend to be very inconvenient, and they don’t always obey normal business hours. Think of it as your baby’s way of preparing you for motherhood.

5. You could find all of your comfort aids useless.

I had everything ready to go – the birth ball, aromatherapy oils, a playlist of relaxing music, massage tools. In the end, all I wanted to do was lay in bed on my back without anyone touching me or talking to me. The only thing that really helped was soaking in the tub. Everything else was a waste of money. No big deal, you just need to be flexible and realize that in the end, the best comfort aid is your breath and support team.

6. You'll realize your HypnoBirthing/Bradley Method/Lamaze instructor lied to you.

No, that can't be right, I remember thinking when the contractions first hit.  That felt like pain. But my HypnoBirthing teacher said I'd just feel some pressure, maybe some "sensations." Could she have been…gulp…wrong?  Okay mamas - let’s be honest about labor. Sure, there are some freakishly superhuman moms who manage to get through it pain-free (I’m suspicious of those women) but most of us won’t. Childbirth is not pleasant, and it hurts. There, I’ve said it. So don’t think there’s something wrong with you because you’re feeling pain. We’ve all been there. We got through it, and so can you. Labor pains aren’t going to kill you, and they’re not going to last forever. After a few months, you won’t even remember it.

Releasing fear (with no help from society)

Take a look at this trailer for the movie "What to Expect When You're Expecting:"

This shit just drives me batty. Overblown characterizations of labor are why women are afraid to give birth naturally. Look at these women - screaming, sweating, cursing, yelling at their husbands. No wonder why many moms go into childbirth thinking there's no way they can withstand it.

When I was giving birth, the scene was totally different. No screaming, no panting, no swearing, no demanding an epidural (okay, there was a little of that toward the end). Maybe some quiet moans or grunts, a few long sighs. But I never felt the urge to scream at the top of my lungs because it wasn't that kind of pain. Good grief, these woman act as though they've severed a finger.

Which brings me to the notion of fear in pregnancy and childbirth. Our culture is very good at making pregnant women totally paranoid. At the outset, you're given a list of things you shouldn't do. Don't eat deli meats or soft cheeses. Don't even look at sushi. Don't let your heartbeat exceed 140 beats per minute. Don't lay on your back.  Don't have so much as a sip of wine. Don't take Tylenol or Advil or anything remotely linked to a pharmaceutical company (until, of course, you go into labor - then have at it!). 

You're made to feel as though pregnancy is a disorder rather than a fleeting condition. And you're made to feel - at every turn - that you're just one brie slice away from hurting your baby.

Which is probably why many women turn to hospitals and surgeons and high-tech medical interventions to manage their pregnancies and births. We've been told for nine months about everything that could go wrong rather than the reality, which is that - statistically speaking - you are overwhelmingly fine and your baby will be fine.

That bit about not eating certain foods, like cheeses or meats, because of the possibility of listeriosis? Your chances of contracting listeriosis are 3.4 in 1 million. In other words, infinitesmal. On the other hand, your chances of dying in a car accident on the way to a prenatal appointment are 1 in 20,000.

Still, our culture focuses on the fear. It perpetuates the myth of the fragile expectant mother and obsesses over the slim risk of harm. It features women screaming in labor, completely alienated from their own bodies. It subtly and insidiously tells us what we can't do instead of rejoicing in what we can do.

Forget about "What to Expect When You're Expecting" - you don't need to expect fear, pain, and disconnection from your pregnant body.

Expect that you can do it. Because more than likely, you can.